By Ben |
  • [Guardian article: Mouse secretly filmed tidying man's shed every night] "Vastly hyperintelligent pandimensional beings carrying out elaborate and subtle experiments on man." I like the idea that the "man" in the Douglas Adams quote referred not to humankind but to this one dude specifically.
  • 5 years now since my first remission and almost a year into my second remission. The graph of my WBC count looks like one of those amusement park rides that just lifts you up and drops you. I guess I should be glad there are no loops?
  • First world problems: While shoveling snow, I was trying to listen to a podcast on my phone, but my coworkers kept messaging me seemingly every 5 seconds, and each time they set the recording back 10 seconds, so that pretty soon I was a minute and a half farther back in the podcast than I had started.
  • Who needs peril-sensitive sunglasses when you've got humidity-sensitive eyeglasses? Completely opaque in a fraction of a second!
  • [inspired by friends' admonitions about outdoor cats] Remember, folks, cars kill a lot of wildlife. Keep them indoors! It also prevents them producing more unwanted cars. So get your car from a rescue and then get it fixed. If you must take your car outside, lease it and pickup after.
  • [Omaha World-Herald article: OPPD customers helped conserve when cold temporarily shuttered coal plants] The reason we were asked to conserve energy last week was because the coal furnaces get too hot when their cooling systems get too cold. 🤦🤦🤦 This really is the dumbest timeline.
  • Enterprise: and your employer?
    Me: I'm self employed.
    E: OK, but what's the company name?
    Me: there is no company. I do business under my own name. Why do you need it? It hasn't been an issue for the insurance, and they're paying for the rental.
    E: [showing form on tablet] it's required.
    Me: [pointing to lack of asterisk on field] it's not, though.
    E: We have to put a business name. So if it's your own name, it would be Ben Stallings, Inc.
    Me: I'm not incorporated, I file a schedule C with my own SSN.
    E: We just need to know who we can contact at your work if there's a problem.
    Me: Nobody else works at me.
    E: [handing over tablet] Would you fill it in, please?
    Me: [enters own name]
  • News headline: US&UK suspending aid to a UN agency that provides relief to Gaza because Israel accuses some of their employees of participating in the Dec 7 attacks.
    Also news headline: Many of the weapons used in the Dec 7 attacks came from Israel.
    So... We should suspend aid to Israel, right? That's the logical conclusion to make here?
  • Group emails are the absolute worst way to seek consensus. You might as well ask your questions to a kindergarten class. One that doesn't speak your language.
    If you must ask a leaderless list of people to pick a meeting time by email, do not ask "when are we meeting?" That has never worked ever and makes you look like you have never seen a group email before.
    Ask instead, "if you can't meet Wednesday at 1pm, suggest your next available time." That way those who can attend won't be tempted to reply all, and those who can't will have something constructive to contribute. "I can't make it then" does not help anyone get closer to a decision. It's just trash.
    Or use literally anything other than a group email. I like whenisgood.com .
    Thanks. 🤦🤦🤦
    [A friend who was on the list I was complaining about replied, "Wow, Ben. A group of busy clergy and religious educators immediately after the holidays really pushed your buttons, huh?" and I replied, "My email provider literally would not allow me to reply to that group email anymore because it said it looked like I was spamming people, and it was correct. Using the wrong tool for a job is not a proven method to reduce one's workload."]
  • [Article: A little-known version of Mickey Mouse came before Steamboat Willie - and he wasn't very nice.] "In the mid-1930s Mickey became a sanitized straight man and has remained one ever since." Um, no. In the 2013 short "Get a Horse," Mickey is a straight up sadist, taking joy from maiming Peg Leg Pete. With provocation, yes, but still.
  • Attention owners of large dog breeds with bad reputations: If you want to keep saying that your dogs are misunderstood and unfairly discriminated against, STOP LETTING THEM ATTACK SMALLER DOGS. Even if you don't give a shit about smaller dogs or their owners, at least do it for the other owners of big dogs. Thanks.
  • Remember how, in the books, Hermione tried to start a civil rights movement? 
    And her friends thought, how self-important! 
    When what they should have thought was, house elf important!
    [In hindsight, the fact that the author named the organization SPEW should have been a warning to us all]
  • Why do we refer to the American flag as red, white and blue, when blue is always in the upper left? Are we reading it from right to left, like Arabic?
  • You know, in previous adaptations of Dune, the Shai-hulud had three lips they could close over their mouths. In the new movie, they don't appear to be able to close their mouths at all. That means they must be pooping sand out the other end at a tremendous rate. If you got swallowed, you'd pop out undigested in about a minute. Not so scary after all.
  • eVisit to Jessie: Oh, your husband is immunocompromised? Take this Paxlovid and isolate for 5 days.
    eVisit to me: Oh, you ARE immunocompromised? Isolate for 21 days, but first come in for a PCR test so we can see if you also have influenza, even though there is no reason to suspect you have influenza. Then we'll think about giving you Paxlovid on the weekend when the pharmacy is closed.
  • I can't believe I just had to block a profile called "Batarang to the Butt." If this is not the stupidest timeline, it's close.
  • These three abide: Vera, Nadya, and Liubov. And the greatest of these is Liubov. (faith, hope, and love, in Ukrainian. But you don't meet a lot of people named Liubov. Maybe because she's the greatest?)
  • If the reason you're opposed to generative AI is because it plagiarizes artists' copyrighted work, then stop circulating memes that plagiarize artists' copyrighted work. Thanks.
  • Today I learned that Arius was from Libya and was of Berber descent, not European (nor Arab). I also learned that his father was named Ammonius, so if he had gone to Nicea instead of Arius, the early Unitarians might have been called Ammoniacs or Ammonians. That would have been even less fortunate than being confused with Aryans.
  • Me, every time I get a respiratory bug: I'm not going to let it turn into a sinus infection this time!
    Respiratory bug: Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!
    [Kang the Conqueror should have a partner named Kodos. Or maybe he does, and Kang the tentacled alien is just the Simpsons variant.]
  • ChatGPT is pretty decent at writing rhyming poetry, but it's terrible at analyzing it. I asked it about the rhyme scheme in these lyrics, and it couldn't have been more wrong if it had rolled dice.
  • "Do X twice a day for a week, and you should feel better!"
    Since I should feel better in a week anyhow, how is that better than a placebo?
  • The right's argument against trans women playing women's sports is so insulting to cisgender women athletes! It's one thing to assert that the best male athletes are better than the best female athletes. But to consider trans women a threat, you have to assume that EVERYONE born male can outperform ANYONE born female, and that is simply not true.
  • Which typo would you rather wear around your neck? A milestone, or all-but-Ross?
  • Boost your virality with this one weird trick
  • [March 28] I have yet to see anyone comment on how the cargo ship was named Dali. I feel like if Salvador Dalí made a Key Bridge it would be significantly less reliable than the one Baltimore had. Also, a rhinoceros.
  • Xiaomi should open a factory in Missouri.
    you know
    the Xiaomi State
  • I know nothing about the programming language R, but I assume it's for piracy. [a friend commented: and for patches!]
  • Not an April Fool's joke: The software behind New Zealand's Visa application process will not accept photos where your face appears asymmetrical. In my passport photo, my mouth is level and my nose is plumb, but one eye is noticeably higher than the other. The software rejected the photo because my "head is tilted to the side." I edited the photo so that my eyes are level, and it accepted it. Not sure this is kosher, but neither is barring asymmetrical people from entering your country. [a friend quoted Leviticus 21]
  • It drives me crazy how many mainstream news outlets have reported that plug-in-hybrid owners aren't getting the full benefits of their cars because they don't have anyplace to plug in at home, and therefore these people are misguided or stupid. The word they're leaving out is YET. People are buying plug-in hybrids with the expectation that they will be able to plug in at home LATER.
    Can we apply this straw man to other types of vehicles? A newlywed couple bought a minivan! Morons! They aren't getting the full use of their vehicle because they don't have kids! 🤦🤦🤦
  • Random morning thought: Trump is promising buyers so many magical results if they buy his BS, he's blurring the line between GOP and GOOP.
    They also share an obsession with women's appearance and their reproductive organs.
  • [April 5] I hear there are right-wing conspiracy theories about the eclipse on Monday, so here is one from the wrong wing:
    When you see just a ring of fire, you're really seeing light from the back side of the moon that is bending around it because of the moon's gravity. It's dark in the middle because the moon's gravity is so intense light can't escape from there.
    Prediction: someone will post eclipse photos that have been doctored to look like visualizations of a black hole. After all, that little hula hoop is a plane of the ecliptic, right?
  • I hear mercury is in Gatorade right now, so be careful out there, folks.
  • I should keep track of how many people who respond to my Facebook Marketplace ads get screened out by my stringent criteria. It's upwards of 90%.
    1. Will they reply to the "Yes, are you still interested?" stock question? About 50% won't.
    2. Will they agree to come to Benson to pick up the plants they want, having overlooked that detail in my listing? Another 20% gone.
    3. Will they agree to text me when I explain that Messenger doesn't run on my phone? Another 50% gone.
    4. Will they specify a time when they plan to show up? About 10% won't.
    5. Will they show up at the specified time? Another 10% won't.
    6. Will they come to the porch to get the plants I've set out for them, or just text "I'm here" from their cars and then leave if I don't respond? Another 10%.
    It's kind of a miracle I sell any plants at all, but there is a lot of interest at this time of year!
  • while the US Constitution may appear to the naked eye to be made of paper, historians assure us it was ratified in 1788
  • When you try to create an ideal society, but it turns so stuffy that it's suffocating, that's a
    Eutropia
  • The voices on the Zulu course are so soothing, they mage the voices in all the other Duolingo courses seem harsh in comparison.
  • I assume that Citronella was named that because her stepfamily made her pick citrons out of the fireplace. But were her horses transformed mosquitoes? Driven onward by her repellant fragrance
  • I can't shake the feeling that every time a nonprofit claims the value of a volunteer hour is more than double what they pay their own staff, it is an insult to their staff. Does their training, experience, punctuality, loyalty etc. all make them LESS valuable to the organization than some rando off the street who may or may not show up or accomplish anything? That's a terrible message to give, in my opinion.
  • if you solve E=mc² for c, you get c=√(E/m) which we typically think of as having only real solutions
    but there could be imaginary solutions, ending in ⅈ
    because after c, ⅈ can come after E
  • Some things my morning eyes have misread so far today [April 24]:
    The Tortured Pets Department
    Inhaled Roundup wheelchair
  • [April 26] I think that the Supreme Court should rule that a president can have immunity, but only if he gets an untested vaccine that may or may not contain a microchip or possibly bleach. Or he could get his immunity the old fashioned way, by catching and surviving the disease, which is jail time. Might take 20-30 years to fully recover, but after that, he's immune!
  • Remember, folks, the sportsball draft is for watching, the draft beer is for drinking, and the draft under the door is for feeling. Do not mix up your drafts.
  • I'm finally getting my voice back, after almost 3 weeks. It's almost enough to make me swear off making deals with sea witches.
  • [link to YouTube: Fred Armisen Discovers He is Actually Korean, link to Wikipedia: Korea under Japanese Rule] Today I learned that Fred Armisen's grandfather was one of the Chōsen people.
  • Restaurants encourage customers to tip as much as 25% to make up for their underpaying their staff... nonprofits encourage donors to add on 3-5% to compensate for bank processing fees... big retailers encourage customers to "round up" to make donations the retailers decline to make themselves... how long before the credit card companies and food delivery services start asking for voluntary tips to make up for what they're skimming off the top?
    Thanks for using EatGrubs! We're going to take 20% of this transaction, and the bank will take another 5%, so would you like to give us more money so that we can take 25% of that as well and maybe give the remainder to the restaurant if we like them?
  • Just heard a speaker pronounce reefs as reeves. You got your coral reeves and your Christopher Reeves.
  • I heard a very uninspired cover of Hazy Shade of Winter on NPR and spent the rest of the drive imagining it in different musical styles. I think my favorite was reggae. It could be quite good as a reggae song.
  • [Engrish photo of a sign: "Keep away from smiling grass."] Another perfectly good Doctor Who premise spoiled by happening in reality first
  • Every time I hear about the musician St. Vincent, I am pained that her backup band is not called The Grenadines.
  • We've only watched the first two episodes so far, but what strikes me about Renegade Nell is that it was *not* written by AI. An actual human woman said, "Oh, The Nevers is canceled because Joss Whedon is canceled? Allow me to write a period drama with supernatural elements and diverse casting in the style of Joss Whedon." 🤔
  • Oh no, not a random Marketplace user angry at me because I wouldn't hold stuff for him for free until tomorrow. And accusing me for discriminating against demographics he never told me he belonged to. 🙄
  • Early in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, the narrator repairs his friend's expensive motorcycle with a piece of an empty soda pop can. I just saw the modern equivalent of that in a Nissan Leaf owner's group, where a guy had prevented corrosion of the strut end using a plastic sour cream tub. ❤
  • [headline: Wounded orangutan seen using plant as medicine] scientists are dangerously close to discovering that doctors are apes
  • People assume "may the force be with you" is some kind of blessing, but seeing as it's only ever used when parting, and considering that F=ma, I think it means "push off then."
  • And God spake to the dogs and cats and said, "Consider the lilies of the field. Eat not of them, for on the day you do, you shall surely die."
  • Sometimes when someone is imitating a foreign language in English, they'll use a construction like "this is being a cat." I have heard it done in an Indian accent, which is odd because that's not how Hindi grammar works (you would say "this a-cat is"). Of all the languages I've studied, the only one that *does* use that construction is Korean: "this cat-is." Like, the direct object *is* the verb. In English "this is sleeping" and "this is a cat" *appear* to be the same construction but we insist that "is-sleeping" is a verb and "a cat" is a direct object, with "is" as its verb. But in Korean "is-a-cat" *is* the verb. That is what "this" is doing, it's being a cat. But I can't remember ever hearing someone saying that in a Korean accent! Maybe some of the other Indian languages use that construction?
  • I would like to propose that Kai Ryssdal [host of NPR's "Marketplace"] has a punchable voice. Especially when he tries to make jokes.
  • I listen to a podcast hosted by three guys. Two of them have very young sounding voices and talk in a very youthful manner. They sound like they're in their 20s. I had suspicions they couldn't be that young because they talk about traveling the world and make references to pop culture as far back as the '60s. But I was unprepared to see a photo of them and see how profoundly *middle aged* they all are. They're clowning around in their photo to make their show seem lively and fun, which it usually is, but damn, they are three old white guys.
  • Jessie and I feel kinda bad for whoever found her credit card. They spent about $44 at Shein before we froze the account, then failed to charge another $12 at Dollar Tree and $40 at the Supermercado. Clearly their needs are modest. If we hadn't frozen the account before calling in the fraud, they could have got their groceries at Discover's expense. As it is, they were probably caught on camera at one of the registers. 🫤
  • The The were really the definite article. [a friend asked if they were members of A A, to which I replied, that is indefinite.]
  • FOAF: You had a Sebring-Vanguard Citicar in the '90s? Those are legendary! I bet you had the last working one in existence!
    Me: [searches Facebook] Nope, there are at least 204 still running in Florida alone. They can be repaired with standard golf cart parts. Mad Max will probably drive one after the petrol is gone.
  • Intuit Timesheets: You must install our app on your phone so we can pinpoint your geolocation and know when you stand up and sit down!
    Also Intuit Timesheets: Oh yeah, we also have a Web version that works in any browser; you can use that, too.
  • ZIP+4 codes are a decade older than the Web. If your Web form thinks a ZIP+4 code is not a valid Zip code, it needs to go back to school. You could limit the field to 5 digits, for starters. 🤦
  • Facebook's AI is probably just a guy named Al, and only blind people with screen readers can tell because of this terrible sans serif font.
  • The phrase "FISH panel" always reminds me of this Walden quote: 
    "Who has not seen a salt fish, thoroughly cured for this world, so that nothing can spoil it, and putting the perseverance of the saints to the blush? with which you may sweep or pave the streets, and split your kindlings, and the teamster shelter himself and his lading against sun wind and rain behind it,—and the trader, as a Concord trader once did, hang it up by his door for a sign when he commences business, until at last his oldest customer cannot tell surely whether it be animal, vegetable, or mineral, and yet it shall be as pure as a snowflake, and if it be put into a pot and boiled, will come out an excellent dun fish for a Saturday’s dinner."
  • I just understood the ending of the Loki TV series. 
    The TVA needed a way to keep track of branching timelines.
    What they needed was a version control system.
    Like Git, for example.
    And what saved them was the biggest git in the universe!
    And Miss Minutes has a southern accent because she runs the TVA.
    Which in our timeline is the Tennessee Valley Authority.
  • A couple weeks ago, I had half a dozen HVAC companies come and bid on upgrading our heat pump. Only one has actually supplied an estimate. This morning I followed up with the others, which meant leaving a message for the estimator who had come. One guy called me back, and he said "Oh, we don't do estimates when the HVAC system is still running properly."
    "You mean I would have to wait for it to break before you would even supply a bid?"
    "Yes, otherwise it's a gray area."
    "What do you mean, a gray area?"
    "Well, we don't want people saying that we pressured them to upgrade a system that wasn't broken."
    "But that's exactly what I asked you to do. We don't want the system to break."
    "We don't do that."
    "It's literally what I asked for when I called you and what we talked about when you were here, and you told me you were going to send an estimate, and I've been waiting for it for weeks."
    "It's a gray area."
    🤔
  • I am many years late with this joke, but I still can't resist: 
    Disney movies play up the evil motives of the antagonist, because
    ... You know what they say...
    Chillun like a villain.
  • Adventures in poor customer experience, in 5 scenes:
    1. MUD (a public utility) sends me a letter in the mail to inform me that our water service line "which remains the responsibility of the property owner" may be made of lead, but I need to go to a Web site to find out one way or the other. The letter makes it sound like MUD has really tried to keep the water supply safe, but they can't help it if our pipe is contaminating their water. Why are you hitting yourself?
    2. The site reads like a first draft that somehow got published. There are half a dozen links to the next step scattered around the page, and they are all labeled "Click here" like it's 1994, but because of the confusing text around them I am not at all certain what will happen when I do click.
    3. The next step turns out to be a GIS search where I type in my address. It shows that our house does indeed have a lead supply line. When I click our house's ominous black map point for more info, it suggests I check that MUD has my current contact information, so they can be sure to contact me when it's time to replace our line, with a link.
    4. That link takes me to an empty form where I can enter all of my contact information, including my MUD account number, which was not on the letter. I consider looking up the number and filling it out but then realize it is in fact their CHANGE OF ADDRESS form and if I were changing my address then I would have A DIFFERENT SUPPLY LINE and we'd be back at square 1.
    5. I find the part in the letter where it says they're going to replace our supply line at no cost to us, when they get to it, so I'm not sure what part of it is supposedly our responsibility.
  • Yesterday I observed that even in New Zealand, some drivers will do a 5-point turn in order to back into angle parking on a one-way street. 🙄
  • Bringing your hiking boots halfway around the world with you to get them cleaned by biosecurity agents: free of charge
    Losing those same boots before you get to use them: priceless
  • [July 2] It seems clear to me that Biden should use his new SCOTUS-granted powers to
    A) make a policy decision that the ban on felons serving in the executive branch applies to the head of that branch, and
    B) make a military decision to prepare for a coup by making sure all service members understand the constitution they are sworn to protect from its domestic and foreign adversaries.
    But he won't, because he is a Democrat. 🙄
  • It is really jarring to see how the TSA treats non-English-speakers after being in countries that respect foreign tourists.
    Agent 1: I said, put your WATER BOTTLES in the TRASH CAN.
    Agent 2: Duolingo, dude. You need it. 
    Agent 1: Nobody told me that when I applied for the job. 
    Agent 3: Who let these people put their checked luggage in the x-ray machine? [It was agent 2, and everyone knew it]
    Agent 4: [tries to speak to passengers in Spanish] 
    Agent 1: [gesturing emphatically] You have to GO BACK. GO BACK.
  • Food for thought: 
    Given that the police can shoot anyone who looks like they might have a gun without consequence, 
    The upshot of concealed carry laws is that the police can shoot anyone at all.
  • My thoughts upon hearing the local pool play "Closing Time" by Semisonic on loop half an hour before closing:
    1. Hey, I remember this song! do ba do ba DEE ba do ba
    2. I don't remember it being this slow. Why is it so slow? Is it getting slower? OMG is it starting over?
    3. Are they seriously going to play this for half an hour? Do they do this every day? Aren't the lifeguards sick of it?
    4. This song is 25 years old! Has no one found a better song to get people to leave in 25 years?
    5. Lydia, you heard the man, we don't have to go home, but we CAN'T. STAY. HERE.
  • [July 13] It's important that we respond to Trump's shooting with the same compassion he has consistently showed to gun victims in the past. Thoughts and prayers!
    [friend commented: "I don't want him to die by an assassin's bullet. I want him to die from having no heart and having shit for brains. But apparently those aren't terminal conditions."]
  • [July 19] Why don't they just reverse the ticket? Harris / Biden. Then Biden doesn't have to step down, we don't lose his experience, but there's someone younger in charge and we don't have to have a primary. Wouldn't that satisfy everyone?
  • Democrats, 1940: Don't change horses in the middle of a stream!
    Democrats, 2024: Hold our beer. Are you filming?
  • Every time I see my boarding pass from Quantas, I can't help thinking, "¿Cuántas aerolíneas se necesitan para cambiar un vuelo?"
  • I predict that when we reach the moon cave we find paintings left there 50,000 years ago by the aboriginal Australians. The reason they found Australia 50,000 years before anyone else is because they saw it from the moon
  • [headline: Nebraska must do whatever it takes to prevent a looming crisis induced by low-cost Chinese EVs] Ah yes, whatever it takes. Like building mass public transit! No? That's not what you meant? Bicycle infrastructure? No, not that either?
  • [July 28] When you are offended by a depiction of an ancient Greek festival, *at* a reenactment of an ancient Greek festival, because it resembles a depiction of the Last Supper as painted by a dude who was really into the ancient Greeks... you might need to study art history.
  • It cracks me up when folks say "We should be building solar arrays on top of parking lots, not on top of productive cropland!"
    Why?
    Because most cropland in this country is losing topsoil at rates as fast as an inch a year. At least if that soil is covered with solar panels, it will be there later. Heck, it might even be improved by raising cover crops for 20 years. When the land is farmed in a way that doesn't destroy it, then you can talk about how precious an arbitrary acre of farmland is.
    Of course we could also build solar arrays on top of parking lots, but if we're going to dictate how land should be used, even better would be to get rid of the cars altogether and put those solar arrays over protected bike lanes and electric trolley tracks. 🤷
  • Today's TV critics: Colorblind casting has gone too far! Putting people of color in period outfits that would have only been worn by white people at the time strains credibility!
    Forty years ago: [music video of "Karma Chameleon" by Boy George]
  • [July 28] If you get tired of watching the female [Olympic] gymnasts dolled up in unnecessary sparkly spandex and makeup, I recommend the female skateboarders. 🤘🥇
  • [link to the Hexadecimal Metric System] I'm sure it's just a coincidence this is abbreviated SMH. 🤦
  • Everybody likes breathable fabric, but nobody wants to actually breathe it. 🤷 It's aspirational
  • People who insist on staying positive all the time by repelling negativity should be called cathodics (as in cathode, the positive terminal on a battery or the electron emitter in a vacuum tube) (as opposed to catholics, who are addicted to cats)
  • Just a reminder to everyone who's caught up in the speculation about who should be allowed to compete in what event because of what body parts they do or don't have...
    The Paralympics starts soon. If speculating about athletes' bodies is your jam, you haven't even begun. 🤯
  • [Aug 7] Wait... So if the Sacred Timeline is the MCU, that means the TVA is Marvel Studios. "Loki" is autobiographical! 🤯
    Which means Kang the Conqueror is.. Disney! It's no wonder they couldn't keep Jonathan Majors. 😱
  • self-help bestseller in Barbieland:
    Boys are from Beach, Girls are from California
  • Google Workspace: You have been locked out of your account for your protection. Please log in again.
    Me: [enters password I just changed last week because I had no choice]
    GW: That password is not recognized. Please enter one of your 8-digit security codes.
    Me: [enters one of my security codes]
    GW: You will be locked out for 48 hours while we verify your identity. Please supply another email where we can send you a login link.
    Me: 🤔 you already have my phone number and emergency email on file from when I set up the account. [enters another email]
    GW: Please enter the security code we just sent to this other email.
    Me: [enters code]
    GW: In 48 hours we will send a login link to this email address you just gave us. We need this time to verify your identity.
    Me: 🤔🤔🤔
  • House flipping is gentrification
  • It occurred to me to wonder on this morning's walk what the infrared equivalent of day-glo is. That is, if fluorescent colors absorb ultraviolet light and release it as visible light, what color absorbs visible light and releases it as infrared?
    Black. The answer is black. 🤦
    I guess specifically the new ultra-black paints, but still, it was kind of a silly question for somebody who's spent as much time as I have looking at infrared photos.
  • After exchanging heavy fire, do you have to put it out with heavy water? ☢️
  • Me: Hi, I'd like to put money in my IRA!
    Vanguard: You have to put the money into a holding account first. You can only make an IRA deposit from one of your other accounts with us.
    Me: Fine, then, I'd like to deposit money to my holding account.
    V: Please give a mysterious third party your bank login and password.
    Me: [enters login info in pop-up window]
    V: Your bank wants you to do something, but we don't know what. Please log in there and do whatever they ask of you.
    Dundee Bank: You haven't used your account in a while, so we need whoever is trying to log in now to set a new password, for your security.
    Me: [sets new password]
    V: Do I know you? What were we doing?
    Me: Connecting my bank. Here's my new login information.
    V: Please wait. A little longer. Still waiting. Maybe go get a coffee?
    V: Mysterious Third Party wasn't able to connect to your bank. Let's try the old fashioned way. Please enter the routing number and account number.
    Me: [enters info]
    V: Success! 🎉🎉🎉 Your bank is connected!
    Me: I'd like to deposit money in my holding account.
    V: It might take a few days for the microdeposits we put in your bank account to show up in your statement, but then we'll need that information.
  • FYI, in Nebraska, the difference between the current minimum wage for tipped employees and untipped ones is $9.87/hr. It has no relationship to the cost of your meal.
  • A: second hand smoking
    Q: Why does your watch need repair?
  • The most tragic part of Jesus Christ Superstar is that Mary Magdalene could have bought Judas's loyalty for just a tenth of what she spent on ointment. 🤯
  • Resident Alien + Schitt's Creek = Third Rock from the Sun
  • OMG if I ever meet anyone who wrote a Javascript that moves the insertion point to the end of a field while you are typing, I swear I will [violate Facebook community standards].
  • [meme about a bicycle geared such that one revolution of the pedals sends it 6 times around the earth] To unlock the bike lock, you have to solve a Towers of Hanoi puzzle with 64 rings.
  • One side effect of having read Project Hail Mary is suspecting that if someone won't eat in your presence, it's because they immediately poop and fall asleep after eating.
  • "Ride or die" ... Isn't that how "The Boxer" ends?
  • [Sept 7] Maybe Trump's doctors will refuse to treat him to avoid any appearance of affecting the election. I wish the media would delay any coverage until after the election, you know, to avoid any appearance of affecting it.
  • "Only LifeLock alerts you too the widest volume of threats!"
    🤔 *Volume* of threats? 
    🤔🤔 *Widest* volume? 
    I know what they meant, but why say it that way? Did their lawyers advise them that any phrasing that had previously been used in English would be legally indefensible?
  • Adventures in brevity, Tuesday edition. The newspaper article is about how Jennie Edmundson Hospital is going forward with a partnership with Acadia Healthcare to break ground on a new hospital. But the headline on the front page of today's World-Herald reads:
    Jennie Edmundson committed to Acadia
  • Do extra-virgins save themselves for second marriage?
  • [Sept 12 headline: Video Shows Bon Jovi Helping Woman to Safety] "Take my hand, and we'll make it, I swear!"
  • The best graffiti I've seen on this visit to Minneapolis is on a bridge that's under another bridge. It says, "As above, so below."
  • I thought it was a joke when The Daily Show did a skit where one person composes all of the Democrats' emails, including "Robert De Niro (via KamalaHarris.com)." But then I got this email: [screenshot of an email with that From header, with subject "I thought it was a joke"]
  • [Sept 17] So, if just possessing a firearm within sight of the former President after expressing the intention to assassinate him makes you an assassin, even if you never fire a shot...
    ...tell me again how you intend to use your stockpiled firearms to overthrow the government.
  • Customer support: Please review our product!
    Me: [leaves honest review]
    CS: We are greatly distressed that you are not fully satisfied and want to help. Please provide additional information.
    Me: [leaves on business trip]
    CS: Please provide additional information so we can help you.
    Me: [ignores email]
    CS: If you don't respond right away we will close this ticket.
    Me: I'm away from home right now. You already have the information you've requested because I registered the product. If you need me to send it again, you'll have to wait until I get home.
    CS: OK, we'll wait. Sorry, that was an automated message.
    CS: Please provide additional information so we can help you.
    CS: If you don't respond right away, we will close this ticket.
    Me: OK, here's the information again. Here is my guess as to what's wrong.
    CS: Well, if that's what's wrong, then we can't help you. Goodbye.
    Me: I don't *know* that that's what's wrong, it was just a guess. You could maybe ask a follow-up question.
    CS: Goodbye.
    Me: I didn't ask for your help, you offered to help me, and then you pestered me until I re-sent information you could have looked up. Are you seriously not going to help now?
    CS: Goodbye.
  • [headline: Submersible engineer says he felt pressured] submersible headline ironic as hull
  • I wonder what percentage of people hearing Heart's "Magic Man" think he's saying "come on, homegirl" rather than "come on home, girl."
  • This is your periodic reminder that matter vibrates faster than light does, and any quote that claims it vibrates slower (or "lower" whatever that means) is definitively not by Albert Einstein.
  • [headline: Three Mile Island nuclear site to reopen in Microsoft deal] My position on nuclear power for a long time now has been that if, as its proponents say, it can be made safe, then it should be privately insured and subject to all the usual government regulations without exemptions. And if, as proponents say, it can be made cheap, then it should be invested in by the private sector and not by the government. We're seeing that model working today with private orbital launches by SpaceX subject to government regulation. So if Microsoft wants to invest its own money and can get private insurance and EPA approval for a nuclear reactor, then good on them. We'll see how it goes. 🤞
  • [headline: 16 Fascinating Facts about Svalbard] Quotes from this totally serious article that will give chills to anyone who's read The Golden Compass:
    "The bears tend to stay clear of the settlements. However, bears do sometimes approach buildings due to desperate hunger."
    "You can see the northern lights during the day."
    "You are not allowed to die on Svalbard."
    "there are plenty of children living in Longyearbyen! The town's main settlement is home to a kindergarten, a school and a youth club."
    "Svalbard could save humanity as we know it."
    "Cats are forbidden."
  • [Report: Russian convict soldiers commit crimes] That awkward moment when the Suicide Squad survives their mission, and they are not magically transformed into antiheroes, they are still a bunch of villains.
  • [Headline: Recommended route unveiled for long-awaited bike trail to link Omaha and Lincoln] "she is concerned about cyclists colliding with farm equipment"
    I'm pretty sure that's more likely to happen on the road, where farm equipment is allowed to be, than on a dedicated trail where it's not...
  • People on social media: protect the independent artists from having their work used to train AI!
    Those same exact people: look at this artwork I'm sharing without any attempt to look up the artist's name!
  • If Awkwafina's sign is not Awkwarius, I shall be disappointed
  • With all of the Star Wars merchandise over the years, how has Corelle never introduced a line of plates that look like the Millennium Falcon? After all, it's described as a Corellian light freighter, and it's shaped like a plate.
  • TFW software has export capability and import capability, but they are not compatible with each other... 😫
  • [headline: Walgreens to close 1,200 stores] Can they start with the ones that are directly across the street from another drug store?
  • Watching a lecture where someone asserted that "English is the only language where faith is not a verb. In other languages, you would say, 'I faith you'."
    Um, no. That is not true at all.
  • Last night while trying to fall asleep I was thinking about Manbat. A bat who dresses up like a man and fights crime in broad daylight to terrify the bat criminals. Weird, right? But better off than Man-Spider, bit by a radioactive man so that he now has the strength and agility of a man but proportional to his spider size. That really sucks for him.
  • Just flashed back to the time Jessie Stallings and I attended a Christmas revue in Emporia that turned out to be all about bestiality and incest. You might have thought that would make a splash in a small town, but everyone just pretended it didn't happen. 🤷🤦
  • My conscious mind: I need to remember to charge that battery. 
    My subconscious: Battery... charge do do d-do d-do 🎵
  • Listening to Tom Hanks tell Stephen Colbert about how he and Robin Wright were de-aged in real time during the filming of Here with the help of thousands of photos from throughout their careers, I can't help think of Wright's movie The Congress that starts with a similar premise and then gets seriously surreal.
  • To me, the funny thing about Megalopolis being panned for having an incoherent narrative is that Everything Everywhere All at Once is deliberately chaotic, intentionally overwhelming, and it earned seven Oscars with a fraction of the budget. There's just no substitute for good writing.
  • It's never a good sign when you have to tell an accountant that the reason you won't submit credit card data by email as they requested is because that's a violation of PCI DSS. And then wait for them to google it.
  • The main takeaway I got from the special features on Everything Everywhere All at Once was that essentially all the special effects were practical. They only used CGI to paint out the wires and sticks.
  • Evolution doesn't disprove creationism. It just says creation is a process, not a one-time event, and that the creator is receptive to feedback.
    If you look at the history of, say, cars, you will see styles that died out and others that spontaneously popped up and others that changed over time. It's absolutely valid to infer from the evidence that automobiles evolved due to selection pressure. And yet each model of car was intentionally designed.
    Even if this is still the Seventh Day, and God will still be resting for hundreds of millions more years before the eighth day dawns, that doesn't rule out the possibility that they delegated organism design to, say, angels for the interim. Indeed, only a careless boss would not do that.
    I'm not saying I believe in intelligent design -- God knows a lot of our designs have been stupid -- I'm just saying that evolution shouldn't be a threat to anyone's belief system, and neither should creationism.
  • Not feeling like doing anything sounded a lot more fun when Bruno Mars sang about it. 😴
  • Has anyone ever uttered the words "come on, people now" or "smile on your brother" without quoting the song? Such strange wording.
  • "The four bodily humors": slapstick, mime, poop jokes, and lymph
  • TFW you have the most expensive insurance plan offered by your wife's employer, pay off the deductible *and* the out-of-pocket maximum for the year, and they still won't cover her COVID treatment. Murica! Or rather, Medica!
  • For years, people have been saying ditch those negative people in your life, you don't need that energy, good vibes only!
    And then we wonder why we don't understand how half the country thinks. 🤔
  • Heard a discussion on NPR about inappropriate uses of generative AI, so I asked Claude and ChatGPT to write a Shakespearean sonnet in PHP about the distinction between NULL, 0, empty, and undefined. Claude refused to answer on the grounds that a poem on that subject might be misleading and harmful. ChatGPT wrote its sonnet in a comment, so that although it's technically PHP code it's not executable:
    <?php
    /**
    * Sonnet: On NULL, 0, empty, and undefined
    *
    * When NULL doth creep within our code unseen,
    * A void, a lack, an absence of all things;
    * Yet different still is Zero, keen and clean,
    * A nothing known, yet countable it rings.
    * 
    * Lo, EMPTY waits as hollow, false, yet fair,
    * An empty string or list devoid of weight;
    * But 'Undefined' – oh, cruel fate's despair –
    * Is absence not declared, a ghostly state.
    * 
    * Thus NULL is void, Zero counts as naught,
    * EMPTY claims lack but speaks its silent truth;
    * Undefined leaves chaos, error fraught,
    * A specter haunting variables, uncouth.
    * 
    * So mind these states, lest code in darkness fall,
    * And wisely write to wisely handle all.
    */
  • [November 6] "WHEN WE FIGHT, WE WIN!"*
    *some restrictions apply, void where prohibited by law
  • [election headline: "Schmidt clenches open seat"] Clinches. The word you're looking for is clinches.
  • Had a great time teaching Silent Football to the youth group tonight, as a authoritarianism survival skill. With silly names. We had Lord Pookins (sp?), Captain Batman, Señor Satan, Sir Leftofmeisdumb, William the Minuteman, Marquis de Baloney, and King Fuck, among others.
  • [meme: "There should be a reality show where flat-earthers search for the edge of the world"] As I've said before, the earth's surface is flat, it just takes a spherical shape because it's perpendicular to a spherical gravitational field, not a linear one. So anywhere you dig a hole is the edge.
  • [Popular Science article about how gophers helped the Mt. St. Helens ecosystem in just 24 hours] It doesn't say what happened to the gophers after their 24 hours were up, but I imagine they exploded.
  • Everybody talks about the ship of Theseus, but nobody says who they ship him with. Because it keeps changing.
  • How come when there's an "anti-incumbent bias" in elections, it only hurts the people who've been in office a term or two, while the obstructionists who've been blocking change for decades are safe?
  • I think it's ironic that Dr. Bronner's makes so many varieties of "All-One" products. Are they all just facets of the one true soap?
  • TFW you compliment software for giving you a helpful and specific error message, but all your coworkers are so used to complaining about it that they assume you're being sarcastic. No really, it told me exactly where it hurts...
  • I got a good chuckle out of the presenters at today's sustainability webinar with my question:
    "Why are consumers scolded for 'wishcycling' when they put packaging that is marked recyclable in the recycling? The manufacturers are the ones being aspirational, not the consumers."
  • Remember when every food product had to disclose whether it contained trans fats, because there's no safe amount to consume, and then all the mfgrs stopped putting trans fats in the food? And remember how there were a bunch of exposes about how spice growers are putting lead into cheap imported spices, and there's no safe amount of lead either? And yet nobody has to label it? I guess we're all just supposed to do our own lead testing for ourselves.
  • I got a solicitation letter from the Electronic Frontier Foundation that says, "EFF's purpose is to fight for the users." Nice, but you should have had the letter signed by Bruce Boxleitner.
  • I just got a solicitation from a marketing firm offering to promote my (publicly available) business address using a drawing of a design I did for a different property and an old Google Street View photo of the Latter-Day Saints Institute for Religion 3 miles away. I know it's old because Street View currently blurs that property out. You know, so nobody recognizes the clearly labeled building when they pass by it on Dodge St.
  • For years I have wondered whether the name of the CBC Radio show "Q" was spelled Cue or Queue because I assumed I had never heard them spell it. Turns out they were spelling it. 🤦
  • I enjoyed reading Chuck Tingle's Bury Your Gays, but it makes me sad that no one can adapt the story for the screen without creating a potentially world-ending paradox. 😳
  • [Dec 2] I don't think Joe should have pardoned Hunter.
    I think Joe should have resigned on Nov 6 so that Kamala could be the 47th president for 3 months, and SHE should have pardoned Hunter.
  • Financial institutions: You can't just exchange money through a distributed version control system! You need something like a blockchain to verify that transactions are valid.
    Also financial institutions: Here is an unencrypted email with a PDF you can print and deposit like a check.
  • I think the Ship of Theseus should be called Astyanax ("Nax") going forward, since that's who KAOS shipped him with. 😜
  • Claustropephobia, n. A fear of being attracted to Santa.
  • I dunno why they call that show NCIS. The have to be a lot of other shows that people under the Islamic State aren't allowed to watch.
  • I bet whoever turned an anthem of body positivity ("This Is Me") into a jingle for a weight loss drug (Wegovy) is salivating at the prospect of turning "Born This Way" into a rallying cry for TERFs.
  • [Dec 8] This is a dumb joke, but that's never stopped me before...
    It's Assad sad day
  • [headline: Harassment case against Lizzo dropped] I feel like she was very clear that any misbehavior must be blamed on her juice and is not her fault. She said so in advance.
  • Unpopular opinion:
    Email software should try to stop people before they attach large images. Does that picture you're displaying at 3" size and sending to 25 people really need to be 6 GB? Can I resize it for you?
    Granted, this is small potatoes compared to the flagrant abuses of Bitcoin and Netflix. But it would also be super easy to implement.
  • A friend's reaction to my calling tree onions "Egyptian walking onions" caused me to question the name I'd been taught. Turns out it should be punctuated Egyptian / walking onion. They do not walk like an Egyptian.
  • I would say that the cat in Kiki's Delivery Service should have been named Bouba, except that of the two characters, Kiki was the bouba.
  • I'm puzzled by Tolkien's assertion that the ring recipients were "all of them deceived" because the One Ring was "forged in secret." So... Sauron forged all of the other rings in public? And people were convinced he had never made any rings before then? How badly made must they have been to give that impression? 🤔
  • [regarding the assassination of the CEO of United Healthcare] Try to run your business in such a way that it is not universally understood as motive for your murder
  • I won Whamaggedon! I guess that means next year it'll happen to someone special.
  • Pro tip: If your "cloud storage" failed so badly in October that you are only now able to offer customers a backup from June, the service you were offering was never cloud storage at all but just a file server. A poorly maintained file server with no redundancy and only infrequent backups.
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